What I Learned When I Called Off My Engagement

My life with David* was a surprise. I had returned from a six-month stint in Osaka, Japan, to my small-town family home just out of Sydney, Australia. All my energy was focused on how I would get back to Japan — my life was there; all I had to do was graduate. When David offered to buy me a drink one night, I told him “My conversation is free — I’ll buy my own drinks.” He liked that. Independence had always been my jam, even in relationships.

I quietly shelved my dreams of returning to Osaka for the white picket fence. All this time I was waiting, hinting, wondering when he would pop the question.We started dating and I went from playing it cool to love sick in four days flat. Wanting to hear from him all the time, to know he was interested, that I was valued. From someone who didn’t care about marriage to thinking constantly about my imaginary future children and what I would cook for my man that night.

We were in my late grandfathers’ home one night when David told me to close my eyes and he led me to the lounge. I could see the warmth of candles glowing behind my shut eyelids and all of a sudden, I was filled with a mix of “YES! It’s happening!” and a gut feeling that said “I don’t want this.”

Opening my eyes to the man I loved on one knee, ring in hand, I knew that the only answer was “yes.” I couldn’t afford to lose my dream life with my dream man, but I was utterly bewildered by this nagging feeling and worse, it wouldn’t go away.

Let’s just say that if you have major doubts about being engaged, you probably shouldn’t be. I’m not talking about your standard nervousness; I mean debilitating, undermining doubt.

My ideas about marriage made me beyond uncomfortable. I was outright scared. From the price-per-head to musing over what makes a “good wife,” I was afraid. Without ever planning to, I set about sabotaging the whole thing, the very thing I had wanted…and one day, didn’t want any more.

I realized that my whole world was based on him. I had put aside my plans for myself to force myself into an identity I didn’t fit, all in the hope of impressing him enough to stay. Sure, he stayed, but I was directionless and depressed, jumping from one shaky job to another and running myself into the ground trying to make a meaningful life. He wanted a support person, I wanted to blaze trails. I didn’t know how to reconcile my values with who I had become. Slowly, I began to resent him for it.

One day, David told me “This should be enough for you.” It wasn’t, and I utterly despised the arrogance that dripped from that comment — that a good man should be enough for a woman.

The last straw came when I asked him to visit Osaka for a week with me. I was meeting up with my best girl. She lived halfway across the world from me, and she needed to get out of Missouri after a string of bad luck. My soul was exhausted, and this girl was my conduit to the me I had lost. At that moment, nothing was more important to me. He wouldn’t come, but he was vicious when I suggested I go alone. My blood boiled. I went anyway.

I called off the engagement before the relationship ended. I took my fears to mean that it wasn’t the right time yet. He put on a brave face and said that was okay. But, dear reader, pro tip: If you end your engagement, you will hurt the other person. Even if you love them. Even if you still think you’ll marry them one day. While you’re saying “I’m not ready for this,” they may hear “I’m not ready for you,” and, wait for it, they may leave.


I spent a long time trying to reconcile my thirst for freedom and adventure with the image of domesticity that marriage presented me. I began to seriously wish I was “free.”

Then it ended, he moved out, and I was. I didn’t know what to do with all that space. I was lonely and doubly afraid. That’s what happens when you wrap your self-worth up in someone else and then they’re not there. I knew I had to set about recovering, so here’s what I did.
I cried. I cried at home. I cried at work. I cried on the treadmill.I had so many feelings.
I banned love songs and negative self-talk. I was so frequently bubbling with rejection and rage and unspoken hurt, I didn’t need to wield those two oh-so popular weapons.
I lived day to day. I couldn’t cope with this “no plans” business without someone to fill the space (he was my plan), so I just disengaged and took each day as it came. Until I saw cheap flights and then I made plans…
…and caught planes. Lots of them. It was lonely and beautiful and I could then cry in planes, too.
I rebounded. The first post-breakup kiss made my stomach flip. I thought I was going to be sick. Next tip: If your body says it’s wrong, listen up!
I travelled more. I walked more. I cried less.
I made new friendships and re-learned that I wasn’t totally wretched and unlovable. I was just hurt.

There were setbacks — phone calls that I sincerely regret making — made in part to get him back, in part to punish him for leaving me. If he was going to break my heart I wasn’t going to make it comfortable for him. Still, I wouldn’t hear other people speak badly of him and publicly I kept a straight face, the whole while trying to grasp onto some idea of what on earth I had done. Last tip: Don’t make that call, you’ll regret it. Even if you think they deserve it, it’s self-deprecating and will do nothing good for your morale.

My recovery meant a million references to the “stages of grieving” and I realized that they really don’t work in a linear way. You’ll think you’re all healed up and then you’re a total mess again. Grief and rejection are vicious jerks and they will wear you out. And occasionally they are more powerful than memory, fact and rationality.

“One day it will be okay” was my mantra. And one day it was okay.

The biggest thing I learned in this roller coaster is the value of listening to myself, knowing what is right for me and the importance of having the courage to act on that intuition. To grow my personal capital before I bank on someone else. And to honour that voice that says “Something’s wrong.” It’s better to listen up than to find yourself Googling “trapped and unhappy” in ten years.

It was close… and weddings still make me that little bit uncomfortable.

____

*Not actually called David, obviously.

sourced from: the times magazine

14 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship

No, you don't necessarily need to have everything in common

Nick Hornby once said, “It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.”

I’m not a therapist or relationship expert, but after nearly a decade of marriage, I’m not convinced that your taste in movies or music determines if you and your significant other are destined for happily-ever-after or a bad break-up. My marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s satisfying and happy and it’s taught me a few things about what keeps long-term partnerships working. Thankfully, those things have nothing to do with musical preferences or I would have taken my country albums and left my Beatles-loving husband long ago. Instead, we’ve figured out how to compromise on music, and other things, and settle in for the long haul.

                     


Here are a few of those things that I’ve learned do seem to say something about the strength of your union:

You Speak Your Mind

Relationships thrive when couples can express themselves freely and honestly. That means no topic is off-limits, and you both feel heard. Consistent communication is vital to building a lasting life together.

You Have Your Own Space

Just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you have to spend every moment together. Taking time to pursue your own interests and friendships keeps your relationship fresh and gives you both the opportunity to grow as individuals—even while you’re growing as a couple.

You Fight

Disagreements are normal, so if you aren’t fighting, chances are you’re holding back. But when people in healthy relationships fight, they fight productively and fairly. That means avoiding name-calling or put-downs. It also means striving to understand your partner instead of trying to score points. And when you’re wrong? You apologize.

You Like Yourself And Your Partner

Chances are your relationship won’t suddenly get better if you win the lottery, have a baby, or move into your dream house. So don’t base your partnership on the hope that it will change. You recognize that neither of you is perfect, and you accept and value each other for who you are right now—not who you might become.

You Make Decisions Jointly

You don’t call all the shots. Neither does your partner. From what movie to see to how many children to have, you make decisions together and listen to each other’s concerns and desires. Sure, this may mean you see Transformers on Saturday night. But on Sunday night, it’s your turn.

You Find Joy

Healthy relationships are full of laughter and fun. This doesn’t mean you’re giddy every hour of the day—or that she doesn’t drive you up the wall sometimes—but it does mean that your life together is mostly happy in sometimes simple ways. (Making dinner, laughing at the same things, finishing each others’ sentences…)

You Find Balance

Sometimes your partner needs to work longer hours while you play chauffeur and chief cook. Or you must devote time to an elderly parent while your spouse tackles the chores. That’s life. What matters is that, in the long run, your trade-offs seem fair.

You Treat Each Other With Kindness

Nothing is more important than treating the person you love with care, consideration, empathy, and appreciation. If you find yourself showing more respect to people you hardly know than you show your partner, take a step back and revisit your priorities.

You Trust Each Other

Healthy relationships are built on trust and a commitment to communication without reservations or secrets.

You Let Things Go

Your partner will annoy you. You will annoy him or her, too. You will say things you don’t mean. You will behave inconsiderately. The important thing is how you deal with all this. So he forgot to pick up milk for the second time? Tell him you’re disappointed, of course—then let it go.

You Are Intimate

Sex is an important part of healthy relationships, but it’s only one part, and it’s different than intimacy, which is less about physical satisfaction than about bonding, friendship, and familiarity. If you’re in a healthy relationship, you’ll feel connected—in and out of bed.

Your Relationship Is Your Safe Place

Your relationship should be a safety net—a stable place to come home to at the end of the day. That doesn’t mean you don’t fight—it just means that when things are hard, you’d rather see your partner than commiserate with coworkers at Happy Hour.

You Talk To Your Partner, Not To Other People

When you have issues and concerns, you share them with your partner, not your Facebook friends. You can use pals as a sounding board, of course, but not as a crutch to avoid hard conversations with your significant other.

You Say The Magic Words

“I love you”, “Thank you,” and “I’m sorry.”

sourced from: the times magazine

How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work

Photo: Focus Features

Long-distance relationships. Many have tried them; few have succeeded in making them work. But that doesn’t mean they’re not worth the effort. When two people want to be with each other, they will do what they need to do to be together.

“Couples don’t need to wait to be in the same place in order to embark on a relationship,” says psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig. “Start where you are and see where things go.”

But first, just like in any relationship, both people need to desire being together, and they need to be flexible. Not only that, but each person must be strongly individuated, says sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner. “Strong couples are made up of strong individuals, which is particularly true in long-distance relationships.

“The key is to create a secure relationship in an insecure context,” he adds.

Since you won’t really know what your significant other is doing day in and day out, the experts agree that trust is another important component in making a long-distance relationship work.

That said, it’s important for both people to have a high degree of self-control and discipline, says Kerner.

Even still, long-distance relationships can be emotionally taxing and wear on one’s psyche, as it isn’t easy to overcome missing the other person. Often, feelings of loneliness and abandonment can occur, which is why it’s important to be consistent with communication and visitation.

“It’s critical to schedule time each day to talk: “Skype, FaceTime and yes, have phone sex, with your significant other,” suggests author and dating coach Maya Ezratti. Also, stick with the two-week rule: “Don’t go more than two weeks without seeing each other,” she adds. “[And] when you are together, make sure you’ve carved out enough alone time.”

While these relationships have their risks, they also have their rewards. “They can be fun and exciting because the honeymoon phase lasts much longer,” says Ludwig.”It’s not such a bad thing to miss your partner, either. Having your own interesting and separate life is a good thing. Use those connections with friends and family to help support you when you’re longing for your love.””

For some, the idea of having more space and “me time” is appealing. Then, when your partner is in town, you can maximize your time together and continue to get to know one another. This time together is often usually heightened, with lots of highs and sometimes lows, says Kerner, so you may only see that person in their best (or worst) light. That’s why it’s extra important to be involved in each other’s lives as much as possible, no matter how far apart you are.

“You really don’t know what the person is like to live with on a regular basis, so it’s easy to fill in the blanks of the relationship with a fantasy of who the other person is, verses the reality of who they really are,” says Ludwig.

To stay connected, Ezratti suggests sending pictures, sharing schedules, and talking to each other about who you’re hanging out with. “Any relationship can work out if the love is there,” she says. “Logistically, it’s more difficult, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible.”

So it doesn’t matter if he’s in Beijing and you’re in New York City. Assess how much this person really means to you when apart. If this relationship is meant to be, it will be.

This article originally appeared on Fox News Magazine

sourced from:stylecaster.com

5 Quick Tricks To Look (and Feel) Better Instantly

                                                                        Photo: Wenn

Have you ever had a day where nothing seems to be going right? You can’t find the right outfit, perhaps you’re feeling bloated, your hair is frizzy, and you just can seem to get your eyeliner wings even?

The thing with feeling confident in the way that you look, is that it is very fickle: One day you might feel like a million bucks and the next you want to hide under a rock. Unfortunately it takes very little to knock your confidence off its game: an off comment from a friend, a wardrobe mishap, or smudged lipstick can all do the trick.
MORE: Women Lose Self-Confidence During College: Study

However, the reverse is also true, and it can actually take very little to re-boot your confidence. A quick fix here or there can take your confidence from a measly four to a solid nine. The next time you are at bar or party and need an extra kick to go talk to that hot guy at the end of the bar, try these tips. If you’re nervous before an interview, try these tips. If you are just having an off-day in general, try these tips. Trust us, a little confidence boost, never hurts.

1. Carry a perfume roller with you in your purse.

You love your favorite perfume for a reason. There is something about a fresh spritz of perfume that can instantly make you feel confident. You are more inclined to get close to someone or talk to someone new when you are exuding the confidence of Chanel Chance or Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb.

Most perfumes come in small sizes that are perfect for your purse, backpack, or clutch. The next time you go out, make sure to have your roller with you to touch up your perfume whenever you feel it necessary. Warning: don’t over do it! Trust us, perfume application can get addicting.

2. Keep and extra toothbrush around.

One major thing that people get self-conscious about—their breath. The most efficient remedy for bad breath is brushing your teeth. Keep a travel sized tooth-brush and toothpaste at your desk at work or stashed in your purse for emergency situations. There is nothing worse than the fear (or knowledge) of having bad breath. We can almost guarantee that your confidence will be much higher when your mouth feels minty fresh and your teeth feel sparkly white. If you are really in a pinch, make sure to have mints or gum with you as an alternative.
MORE: 40 First Date Questions That Always Work

3. Concealer is your friend.

Nothing bruises your confidence more than feeling a zit coming on. It can preoccupy your mind for hours as you wonder if anyone else has noticed your newly emerging pimple. Confidence down the tubes. Although we wish we had a cure that would instantly make your skin porcelain, sometimes you’ve just got to work with what you’ve got. But, we do have a tip for you—don’t be afraid of concealer, and keep a small container of it in your bag for moments of skin weakness.

The real issue with pimples is that we often think they are worse in our heads than they really are on our faces. If you can sneak to the bathroom, assess the damage, and play a quick game of cover-up, you won’t obsess over your skin all day and your confidence won’t suffer.

4. Always have a hair tie on hand.

There is nothing worse than wanting to put your hair up and having nothing to tie it back with. If you are having a bad hair day or get caught in the rain, not being able to manage the sitch with a hair tie can be a serious buzz kill. Wear them on your wrist, keep a pack at your desk, throw them in your purse, do what you need to do! Just don’t get caught without a hair tie, because when you need it, you really need it. Not only can pulling your hair back in a pony or up into a bun mend a hair emergency, but they can help you out when you’re hot, flustered, or in a rush and don’t want to be bothered by your mane.
MORE: How to Win Any Argument in 7 Easy Steps

5. Remember that mirrors lie.

Catching your reflection in the mirror and not seeing what you want to can be the ultimate confidence-killer. But, you have to keep in mind, that sometimes mirrors aren’t that accurate. Certain mirrors can make you look wider, taller, shorter, skinnier, and just about everything in between. When it comes to your face, lighting also plays a key role in the way you see your skin, and sometimes not for the better. If there is one mirror you always pass at your house or at work that just makes you look seriously bleh, chances are it’s either poorly lit or tilted at an unfriendly angle, which can warp your body.

If you really aren’t happy with your reflection and are feeling super self-conscious, find another mirror. Chances are, what you see there will be very different from what you saw originally.



sourced from: stylecaster.com

Can a Big Age Gap Cause Your Relationship to Fail?

                                                                                    Photo: Wenn

They say age is just a number when it comes to love, and it’s more evident today that people don’t focus on age gaps in relationships as much as they used to. Even those negative stigmas associated with an older man dating a younger girl, or an older woman and a younger man, have dissipated.

It really boils down to compatibility, lifestyle, goals, vitality, and interests.

Barbie Adler, a professional matchmaker and founder of Selective Search, says it’s not so much about the age as it is about the maturity level. In fact, Adler says, “both [our] male and female clients typically seek matches within a 10–15 year age range of themselves.”

But can a relationship where two people are 10 or 15 (or more) years apart really work out in the long-term, once the novelty has worn off? It’s not likely, according to a study out of Emory University that finds the larger the age gap, the more likely a marriage will end in divorce.

“You really have to be crystal clear about your hopes, dreams, and desires from the start,” says marriage and family therapist Dr. Sheri Meyers. “A big issue for couples with a big age gap is mismatched life experiences and goals around marriage, children, lifestyle and freedom.”

For example, the younger woman in the relationship may desire children in the future. But if the significantly older man has “been there, done that,” he may not be interested in having more kids.

There’s also the issuing of aging. “What’s going to happen in 15 or 20 years?” asks Meyers. “The bigger the age gap, the more you need to consider what natural aging brings. You may be at the height of your career, while your partner is nearing retirement.”

Aside from dealing with personal issues within the relationship, couples with notable age differences also have to face the challenges of introducing their partner to friends, family and social circles.
“Friends and family may not take your relationship seriously, or even express that the relationship is just a passing folly,” says Adler. Furthermore, a May-December couple may be mistaken for parent and child, or onlookers might think the younger half of the pair is only looking for some type of financial gain.

It goes without saying that all relationships face challenges. But while the Emory study shows that people are better off dating within their age group, it’s more important to be with someone you mesh well with, the experts say.

“When you’re living the life you love, you want someone who can contribute to the relationship in a way that encourages support and growth,” says Adler. “This stems from maturity, not age.”

This article originally appeared on Fox News Magazine.



sourced from: stylecaster

Dating Tips for Introverted Women: 6 Ways to Get Past Your Shyness

Not all women are born social butterflies with the guts to walk up to a man and start a conversation. Some of us prefer to keep to ourselves, and although there are positive qualities found in both introverted and extroverted personalities, when it comes to dating, the shy girls tend to get the shorter end of the stick.Men may misread an introverted woman, classifying her as stuck up or full of herself, or they may even mistake her shyness for lack of interest, while more talkative ladies who are friendly and outgoing are seen as flirty and confident. We know, it hardly seems fair.

In hopes of leveling the playing field of the dating game, we have put together a little guide to assist the underdog. Here are six tips to help out the shy girls in the romance department:

1. Give Off the Right Signals
When you’re out with the girls and trying to attract a male suitor, make yourself approachable. This means altering your body language to give off the right vibe. Crossing your arms or constantly checking your BlackBerry comesoff as bored and unsatisfied, when in reality you may just be a bit chilly or waiting for an important message. Sit up straight, survey those around you, and don’t appear so closed off to the rest of the room — this will make it more clear that you are open and available for conversation.

2. Identify Possible Conversation Topics
Although introverted women are perfectly capable of having a conversation, sometimes nerves can cause your mind to blank out. Always have a go-to topic to resort to when you can’t think of what to say. Preventing awkward pauses will help you to avoid looking insecure and incapable of socializing.

3. Surround Yourself in a Familiar Environment
If you have trouble opening up in an unfamiliar environment, then find some place where you are able to be yourself. When you’re scouting future boyfriends or even on a first date, pick a place that will automatically put you at ease. Whether it’s your favorite Italian bistro or the local coffee shop you frequent, your environment has a bigger effect on your behavior than you’d think.

4. Use Your Timid Nature to Your Advantage
Shyness doesn’t have to be a character flaw. Your reserved demeanor may actually come off as mysterious and sexy. While you don’t want to keep him completely in the dark, keeping him guessing just enough will lure him in.

5. Show Him You’re Interested
Although Hitch was a fictional character, he was a dating guru nonetheless. Hitch believed that the man should do 90 percent of the work and leave the remaining 10 percent to the woman. Being shy doesn’t exempt you from this rule, so make sure you are contributing to the final 100.

6. Be Honest
Honesty is the best policy after all, so there is no need to pretend to be something you’re not. If you find yourself starting up a new relationship, just be frank with your man. Let it be known that you are a bit shy so he doesn’t mistake your introverted nature as disinterest. Just make sure to explain with confidence so that you don’t frame it as a flaw — you are who you are, and you should be proud of that.



sourced from: stylecaster.com

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